you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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