Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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