not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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