HIV tests are more positive than that guy
He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
