Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I'm having to shit out rocks
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