I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
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