just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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