i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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