She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
