"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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