he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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