tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
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that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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