i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
