i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Randomize
