Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
