Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
