for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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