i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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