dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
