I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
