i just had sex bonerless
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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