Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
