someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Randomize
