so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
