sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
