Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
