You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
