Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
