I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
then he tried to convert me to islam
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
