they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
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