Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
