he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize