Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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