i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
