1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
