In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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