when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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