I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
