I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
