if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
