He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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