in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
