remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Randomize
