y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
