just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
