the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
