I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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