Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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