I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
