i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
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