Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
