i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I think I just sharted jello shots
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
