i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
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Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
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I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow