This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
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she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
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When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"