A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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